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Posts Tagged ‘queen’s’

a lot…

you know…there is a lot I have wanted to say recently about friends and experiences and the first week of classes. but as the first week dwindles to the last few hours there is nothing that i can say but LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

I am filled with it.

I am defined by it.

I am BLESSED with it. (and trust that never in my lifetime have i used the word “blessed” to describe an emotion)

I am so overwhelmed by love that i find myself WEEPING at the thought of how much love i feel when surrounded by amazing friends.

I have never before appreciated my ability to love, my love of love, to the extent that i do now. I wish that i could emerse myself in it every second of every day.

It’s real…platonic…but so welcoming and warm and right.

I finally feel like I have real, unadulterated, uncompromising, forgiving, loving FRIENDS.

It sounds relatively insignificant, but to me it is huge, and wonderful, and life-changing.

Sad? Maybe…but we are no longer defined by high school and our friends (or lack thereof) but by ourselves. The SELF that we discover. The SELF who makes new friends. The SELF who is accepting and loving and wonderful. The SELF who LOVES, LIVES, and LAUGHS. The SELF who is not defined by others, but accepts itself and the others around them and loves them as individuals who are more complex and more interesting than they are.

I love. That is what i do.  I have finally found friends to love…and i think that’s probably the single best thing I”ve ever discovered.

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There’s something about early fall which brings the flutteriest of butterflies to my stomach. The slowly changing leaves, the smell of recently purchased school supplies and the jubilant cheers of the newest class at Queen’s make me so happy that I’m constantly on the verge of tears. Yes, I’m a crier, but I love the sense of community, sense of hope and new beginnings that this week leading up to classes brings. It doesn’t hurt that I am once again surrounded by the most amazing group of friends in the world.

Last friday night – when I was still in Toronto in a sort of cruel limbo between having finished work and the drive to kingston on Sunday morning – I was frantically texting with two of my good friends from school who were already in Kingston. These friends live together and at the time they were, of course, sitting about two feet away from one another, but I was texting them both in any case. Ally, (with whom I’m going to see HAIR) said to call her and when I did i was greeted heartily on the other end by a chorus of good friends yelling “SAMMMYYYYYY!!!”, “Come HOMEE” and “I WANT YOU IN MY LIFEEE!”. It brought tears to my eyes to think that there were people out there who actually appreciated me and my presence. I mean, yes, i’ve had a lot of good friends throughout my life and many groups of friends, but this is one that I think (and hope to the ends of the earth) will actually last. I’ve known most of these people for only a year (exactly, to this week, actually) and I feel closer to many of them that I have ever felt in my life with anyone else.

I had this discussion with several of my good friends from Toronto this summer. It’s not that we’ve changed since high school, but it’s that we were always the people who were different – who cared – in high school, which has resulted in the disintegration of friendships from the four years that we were told would be the best of our lives. I’m a friend person, I have a few really close friends, but i’ve always had a large network and cared deeply about all of them, so when I say now that I’m really not that torn up about losing friendships that I thought were quote, “lifelong friendships” in high school, it’s a pretty big deal… I mean, I’m a hufflepuff. We’re all about the friends and loyalty. But now I have a network of friends who actually share common goals and interests other than the basic human need to “belong”, which i’ve found to be the basis of most superficial friendships that are so ever-present in high school and even first-year of uni.

My housemates here are an entirely different story. I love them deeply. Yes, we’re all very different. And yes, we’re not as close and nor do we share as many inside jokes and even intimacies that I do with some of my other friends, but it’s a sort of familial bond which is so important and so comforting when you’re away from mom and dad. We come to each other for advice and for encouragement that comes from a deep understanding of what we want, who we are as individuals and who we are outside of the house, outside of Queen’s, outside of Kingston and outside of our backgrounds. It’s a family whose bonds go beyond a normal friendship, but we can still have an insane amount of fun together.

I’m just so happy to be back.

days until New York: 29

days until HAIR: 30

yoga classes this school year: 1

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I’d like to interview for a volunteer position that  I loved and get the position. 

I’m always in a group of several “amazing” applicants, but I’m never “amazing” enough. There is never “room” for me. I’m honestly tired of it. Sadly, I know that my future will be filled with disappointments like this one and so many others I’ve had this year.

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On the plus side, I do have a summer job.

I’m working for my Dad’s company again, but I’ll be making money and I don’t have to have an interview.

Win.

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