Archive for January, 2009

[un] read Monday’s RELS 210: Hebrew Scriptures material, complete Assignment #2.

[deux] review and make study notes for ENGL 226: Shakespeare Midterm on Thursday. Half done, complete tomorrow.

[trois] go over ENGL 292: Intro to Literary Criticism essay prompts, choose one. 

[quatre] start researching databases for RELS 223: Buddhism possible research essay topics.

[cinq] finish Counterknowledge.

[six] pick topic for ENGL 241: Restoration and 18th Century Lit. Rasselas paper. 

[sept] get a life. cannot be achieved in one weekend.

[huit] call nanny. 

[neuf] sleep…


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So my house has been in panic mode for the past few days – mostly today actually – because we’re all having quarter-life crises. We’ve been filling out pathetic career surveys (yes, like the ones we all filled out in our grade 10 careers classes), Googling careers in our desired paths, and overall figuring out what we want. 

I think I kinda, maybe, perhaps know what I might want to do after getting my B.A.H.:

Masters in Library and Information Sciences.

Think about it…

  • I’d have the opportunity to be around books all day.
  • I’d be able to spread my love of literature with the community
  • I’d have the opportunity to read all the time, maybe even write
  • I could work with children, teenagers and adults
  • I’d feel like I was helping and contributing to a community
  • In a way, I’d be teaching

The only con of this program is that Librarians are criminally underpaid, but I’d easily sacrifice a few extra bucks for a career I loved – and I feel like I could love this. 

Now, I only found this program a couple of days ago and I might just be completely desperate to have some ambition and desire again, but really? This sounds great. There are even special topic courses offered in contemporary YA literature. Um, hai, best course ever. 

I think this may really, truly be a possibility. 

Okay, so, future? Check (ish). Summer job? Not so check.



Oh, by the by, I love this song:

don’t you worry, there my honey 
we might not have any money 
but we’ve got our love to pay the bills

maybe I think you’re cute and funny, 
maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, 
if you know what I mean 

Oh, let’s get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France 
let’s get rich and give everybody nice sweaters 
and teach them how to dance 
let’s get rich and build our house on a mountain 
making everybody look like ants 
from way up there, you and I, you and I, you and I



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Hey there, 

You just got a new puppy, Maggie May. Cherish her, love her, and spend more time with her because she’ll be gone sooner than you know it. 

Your Mom will suggest reading a book called Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone and will buy it for you at Costco despite you telling her that you wouldn’t like it because everyone else is reading it. You’ll listen to her anyway because you know she’s right (you just like arguing with her) and you’ll sit at home on that rainy september afternoon and fall in love. It’ll be an afternoon you’ll remember forever, I promise.

Your house is in shambles and your parents keep fighting but it’ll be better by Christmas, I promise. They’re just stressed because the crazy neighbour doesn’t like the height of your house. You’ll understand the drama soon enough, the details don’t matter right now, you’re only ten.

You’ll have lots of great friends this year and they’ll all celebrate with you when you ring in the year 2000 and when you graduate from grade 5, but middle school brings an entirely new adventure. 

Grade six will seem like grade five. You have all the same friends and even some new ones. You’ll still be your young, happy self and you’ll get all A’s except for your one C in science (which causes your mother to send you to science camp in the summer, you hate the idea but you’ll have fun, really). This is your last year receiving letter grades and in following years you’ll feel less smart, but it’s not true. 

Grade seven will be different. You’ll start being someone you’re not. Nylons belong on your feet not around your head as a headband. Stop listening to rap and trying to be “gangsta” – that’s not you at all. Also, your parents didn’t forget your birthday, stop being dramatic, and when Wesley calls you a “fat turkey” – ignore it. What kind of insult is that anyway?

Grade eight is better, you’ll make better school friends and you’ll have an amazing teacher but get rid of that all consuming crush on Brian. It won’t happen and he’s cute now but a total LOSER in high school, trust me. 

Throughout middle school you won’t have any best friends, at least not from school. The friends you have made at skating over the years will forever be your best. Caitlin is someone you’ll have in your life forever and don’t be discouraged when she leaves Ice Storm to skate for Black Ice or goes off to University because your friendship is one that is so everlasting that you can be far apart and not talk for a while, but your friendship is always strong. She is your best friend. Also, Lara is someone you’re not close with now but come University you will be closer than you could ever imagine. 

High school is where you really start to discover who you are. Grade nine will be slow on the friendship front, but come grade ten you’ll build a group of friends that will be there for a very long time. Try and be involved in everything you can. Join the Hockey team even though your skating coach doesn’t like it because you’ll have an awesome time (despite your embarrassing penalty shot you have to take in your first game). Have fun in band, love those people as much as your other friends because they’ll also turn out to be some of your greatest friends (even though you don’t eat lunch with them every day). 

You’ll have your first boyfriend in grade 11. He’s really nice and he likes you a whole lot but know this: hanging out is not dating. Your mom and dad won’t think he’s right for you because he has no ambitions, you’ll disagree, but it doesn’t matter anyway because he’ll break up with you before school one day for reasons you’ll never be sure of. But you’ll get over it because you’ll wollow that night with Ben and Jerry’s and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on DVD, which came out that same day. 

In grade ten you’ll go on a family trip to England for three weeks. It’ll be a trip you’ll remember for the rest of your life, and you’ll be remembering it with the most incredible family members for years to come. It’ll be a trip like no other and you’ll see things that most tourists (and even true Londoners) will never see (or even notice). Cherish those three weeks because they’ll fly by. But don’t worry, you’ll have over 4000 photographs to remember it by. You will never truly no how to Factor in math because of this trip but don’t worry because you won’t use it beyond high school (and you have amazing math teachers and tutors who’ll help you along, and even bump up your marks).

You’ll be really, really, silly and take chemistry and physics in grade 11 instead of biology for your science credit. You’ll get not great marks because a) you suck at physics and b) your friend Mikey in chem is really distracting. You’ll improve in chem towards the end of the semester because Mikey drops the course. You’ll still suck at physics. Don’t stress too much, you won’t take science past grade 11 anyway.

You’ll have amazing english teachers in high school who’ll encourage you and make you fall in love with english lit. You’ll cry to them about writing and they’ll tell you to stop panicking about writing essays because you’re a great writer and have never gotten under an 80 on a paper. Listen to them because eventually you’ll be writing essays non-stop for four years. 

Your parents will give you the opportunity to go to England for a second time to take your grade 12 English course. You will meet some great people and one best friend. You won’t really realise how great a friend she is until the last week of the trip in Dublin, and mostly after the trip ends and you’ve gone home. Spend more time with her on the trip and ignore that boy Kyle you hooked up with while in Dublin. He won’t even give you his email to keep in touch and when you’re sad when he ignores you on the way home, Jazz will be there to make you feel better. Also, you and Jazz live on opposite ends of Toronto, so really, really make and effort to see each other because you’ll have some of the most amazing times together.

Maggie, your beloved puppy, passes away on November 11th of grade 11. It’ll be one of the worst days of your life and you’ll cry like you never have before. There’s nothing I can say to make this better. 

You and James have a few interesting moments together. Push aside those feelings no matter how much it hurts and be supportive of his relationship. They’re still together and they’re happy, so be happy for them.

Senior year will be amazing. You won’t have a date for prom but that doesn’t matter, you’ll have an unforgettable night and weekend, although one of your friendships sadly end over spilled water, literally. It hurts but don’t fret too much. She’s fickle and you’ll realise this over time.

Cindy, your dog who has been with you for fifteen years, gets sick and has to be put down in July before you go to Uni. Your’re home with her when you notice her coughing and whining. Spend time with her before Dad comes home to take her to the vet. You’ll feel guilty for doing it, but remember she was in pain and had been for a long time. 

You’ll be sad that you didn’t get into Con-Ed. However you end up going to the greatest university ever and you soon realise that you don’t really want to be a teacher anyway.

You still have no idea who, what or where you want to be by half way through your second year, try not to let it get you down. 

First year is filled with many thrills and firsts. You’ll make great friends but then inexplicably lose them after first year ends. They weren’t really your friends in the first place. With one of those “friends” you become really close and you plan to live with her the following year. This plan falls through because she drops out and doesn’t tell you. You’ll be really sad and really stressed about housing. Ask for help, don’t be ashamed or proud. Go to the girl who you’ve known and loved for almost your whole life. Lara and her friends will welcome you as their new housemate and they will keep you going in your second year whenever you want to curl up and forget it all.

Second year is full of disappointments. You won’t make the skating team, making this year the first in which you’ve not skated since you were three. It hurts like hell, especially since Lara’s still skating and you feel like you’ve lost your only real friends from first year. You haven’t lost them. Keep in touch. They miss you too. 

You’ll try incredibly hard for it, but you won’t get OC. It sucks, but don’t let your love of frosh week die just because you don’t get to experience it again. You love Queen’s for Queen’s and don’t forget that. 

You’ll feel like you’re in a rut, like you’re not doing anything but school work. Read, have fun, stay active and make it a point to be super involved in your third year. Find something new to be passionate about. 

Future me, that last one’s for you.


Present You



[this idea is stolen from littleradge’s new video chain on youtube]

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There’s this great Broadway show (which, sadly, closed back in september) called, cleverly, [Title of Show]. [Title of Show] is a musical about two guys writing a musical about two guys writing a musical and, you guessed it, was written by two guys. In addition to providing me with the oh so clever title for essays that I can’t seem to come up with a clever title for – the title being, [Title of Essay] – this show contains one song about creativity and the people who get in the way of your creativity (vampires) called “Die Vampire, Die”. When ever I listen to the ever-hilarious soundtrack there is one quote from this song that always makes me feel, well, like I’m not alone:

The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.
It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:

“Who do you think you’re kidding?”
“You look like a fool.”
“No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough.”

Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform 
and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole, 
but if the vampire inside my head says it, 

                         It’s the voice of reason.

For the past few months I feel like I’ve been dwindling into this dark pit of nothingness and I can’t seem to find any inspiration, creativity or desire. I have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do with my life, I don’t even know what I want to do this summer, next week even. I can’t even define desire. Today in Literary Criticism we were talking about Lacan’s theory of the Mirror Stage – basically how when you’re a baby and first look at yourself in the mirror, you see your reflection as whole, but because you’re all wobbly and pudgy and awkward you don’t feel as whole as your image, creating your first sense of desire – and the whole time I was feeling this inner sadness build because that is me: I don’t feel whole. Lacan’s theory is that you never feel whole, although your reflection and everyone else around you appears whole, but I can’t even find anything inside me to inspire me to feel even a fraction more complete. My professor then asked us to define desire and I could not for the life of me think of what it meant, maybe because I don’t even know what mine are, or even if I have any. 

At the beginning of this year I had desires, oh did I have them. The overlying desire I had was to make this year far better than last. Last year was fun, no doubt it was fun, but it was mostly fun because of the skating team. The team was my everything, it consumed me. All my friends and best memories from my first year at Queen’s were with those girls. I went into this school year thinking that I’d have that all again to only have it completely taken away from me. The sport I’ve loved and defined who I am was taken away, the team who I love dearly and saw daily for 8 months I now only see on occasion and it’s just not the same, and worst of all, my housemate L, with whom I’ve skated since we were 7, despite living on the other side of my bedroom wall, seems farther away than ever. 

Another desire I had this year was to become an Orientation Committee member for Orientation 2009 at my Uni. I love frosh week more than anything and I think the first week back at school this year will forever be my best, but again I wanted to top that week by being an OC. I work for hours on my application, prepared vigorously for my 4 on 1 interview with the Chairs only to yet again have my heart broken by not making the cut for the 2nd round of interviews. It wasn’t quite as devastating as not making the skating team, had I been on the team I may not have been sad at all, but not being on that list just brought memories of skating back to me and again, I felt like I had nothing. 

I still feel like I have nothing, or at least nothing to be passionate about. Skating was my passion throughout my entire life, Frosh week became my passion here at Queen’s the second I donned my Yellow frosh t-shirt and coveralls and now, what do I have left? Harry Potter and a city on the other side of the Atlantic? For the first time in my life (or at least since I was 10), hopping on the Hogwarts Express and heading off into that wonderful world just doesn’t seem like enough. God, it pains me to say that, but I need something more. I need to physically do something and be involved in something that can once again consume my entire being and is so precious and so dear that it breaks my sad little heart if I lose it. I may be a masochist but I crave it because without it, I don’t feel like myself. I don’t even know who I am. 

Right now I’m desperately trying to fill that void by challenging myself to read 52 books this year that have nothing to do with school. I’m really enjoying it because, obviously, I love reading, and sadly the texts I read for school (even as an English Lit. major) do not allow for the escape that a novel or even excellent non-fiction book does because the overlying reality that your future is dependent on your comprehension of that novel/play/poem/essay is forever haunting the experience. I feel like my true happiness really shouldn’t come from escaping from my reality, but I guess that’s what I’ve always done. Whether it be through Harry Potter, my involvement in online HP communities, watching vloggers on YouTube, I’m always escaping. However I’m currently reading The Bell Jar, american poet Sylvia Plath’s only novel and although it’s brilliant and captivating, I’m finding myself relating to Esther Greenwood’s character more than I have ever related to any character in any novel I have ever read. As I read of the ultimately confused 19-year-old english major who has know idea what she wants to do with her life and loses her sense of self, her drive, and her sense of achievement, I see myself and begin to fall with her. I’m only on page 135 so I don’t know how far I’ll fall, but it won’t be anywhere drastic, I promise. 

I’m going to continue with my 1-person book club and hope that somehow I will find myself, my deepest desires and maybe, perhaps, a little bit of a future. But until that happens I’m going to leave you with the ultimate question, as posed by Princeton from Avenue Q:

               What do you do with a B.A. in English? 

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Stolen from Rosianna

Real blog coming soon, I promise.


– Available: Yes, sir.
– Age: 20 minus 1. AKA Legal in Canada, what up?
– Annoyance: My stuffy nose and the fact that I ran out of tissues.
– Animal: I am quite fond of Owls.
– Actor: ummm. oh god no idea. Next question.
– Actress: AUDREY HEPBURN! I’m reading her bio right now and my oh my she’s fascinating.


– Beer: No thank you? If I must, Rickard’s White or Harp.
– Birthday/Birthplace: October 4th/ Toronto.
– Best Friends: Are lovely.
– Body Part on the opposite sex: Backs, Eyes, Forearms.
– Best feeling in the world: A Bottomless Cup of tea, Harry Potter and a Warm Fire.
– Best weather: Cold enough that I have to wear a jacket, scarf and maybe mittens, but no snow or  precipitation of any sort so I can wear whatever shoes I like, with blue sky and sun.
– Been on stage?: Band, choir, assemblies, commencement etc.
– Believe in yourself?: Not enough.
– Believe in life on other planets: I hope for it. It makes our life on earth make more sense.
– Believe in miracles: Again, I hope for them.
– Believe in Magic: I believe in the belief in Magic.
 Believe in Religion: I believe in it in the sense that it exists and that I know it has been the institution that all societies were built on, but personally do I believe in a religion? Not particularly no, however I’m open to all religious beliefs and the idea that a Historical Jesus/Moses/Buddha/Muhammad/[insert other deity here] existed. I’m a Religious Studies minor…I could go for days on this topic.
– Believe in Santa: I believe in the spirit of giving, cheer and joy that Santa Claus represents, so yes, I do believe in Santa.
– Believe in Ghosts/spirits: Yes, I believe in transparent lingering souls.


– Car: I wish. 
– Candy: Sour Fruit Salad, Sweet Tarts, Reese’s Pieces.
– Cried in school: Quite often, actually.
– Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla
 Chinese/Mexican: I’d prefer Thai.
– Cake or pie: Ice Cream Cake.
– Country to visit: I’d love to go back to England, and I NEED to go to New York, but next I think I’d either like to go to Scotland or Italy, maybe Holland.


– Day or Night: Evening.
– Dream vehicle:  I would really  like to apparate.
– Dance: Ice Dance, specifically the Quickstep or Viennese.
– Dance in the rain?: LOVE IT.
– Do the splits?: Yessir.


– Eggs: In my fridge.
– Eyes: I like them sexy, interesting and bespectacled.
– Everyone has a: story to tell.
– Ever failed a class?: Negative.


– First crush: Brian, ewww he’s so gross now. lol.
– Full name: Albus Wulfric Percival Brian Dumbledore…wait, what?
– First thoughts waking up: “don’t make me”


– Greatest Fear(s): Spiders, Boats, revolving doors.
– Goals: Too many, all of which I am not ambitious enough to achieve.
– Gum: Delish.
– Get along with your parents?: Most of the time.
– Good luck charm: When I was competing for Skating I always wore the same pair of underwear…yes, they were washed regularly.


– Hair Colour: Brun.
– Height: 5′5″
– Happy: Content
– Holiday: Christmas
– How do you want to die: Once I’ve done everything I want to do, lived happily and in a way where I don’t know it’s happening, so, in my sleep.
 Health freak?: Not really, but i am healthy.
– Hate: hate.


 Ice Cream: Yes, please.
– Instrument: Because I played it, alto sax. But I love myself a good jazz trumpet.


– Jewellery: Tiffany necklace and a claddagh.
– Job: Student. But I need one for the summer. Fuck.


– Kids: I hope so.
– Kickboxing or karate: Kickboxing. No wooden boards involved.
– Keep a journal?: I have, and do.


– Longest Car Ride: To Chicoutimmi, Quebec for Nationals in 2007. 14 hours, baby.
– Love: is confusing.
– Letter(s): are the best kind of mail.
– Laughed so hard you cried: not recently.
 Love at first sight:myth. Not in the false sense, but in the so magical that it can only be expressed in divine, mythical ways.


– Milk flavour: Skim?
– Movie: Roman Holiday or Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
– Mooned anyone?: No sir.
– Marriage: One and only.
– Motion sickness?: BOATS. omg kill me.
– McD’s or BK: Gross and grosser.


– Number of Siblings: zero.
– Number of Piercings: 4, but two have closed.
– Number: 10, 7, 4.


– Overused Phrases: “like”
– One phobia: creepy, crawly, eight-legged monsters.


– Place you’d like to live: London. No question.
– Perfect Pizza: Gerrard Pizza House.
– Pepsi/Coke: San Pellegrino.


– Quail: man. Remember DOUG? Anyone?


– Reason to cry: suck.
– Reality T.V.: so five years ago.
– Radio Station: none. 


– Song: Maybe I Will – Julia Nunes.
– Salad: is what I’m having for dinner.
– Shrimp?: Cocktail!
– Sport?: Skating, soccer, Field Hockey.
– Skipped school: Not this year!
 Slept outside: Yep.
 Seen a dead body?: Of my dogs.
– Shower Daily?: Unless I’m lazy or sick.
– Sing well?: Decently.
– Stuffed Animals?: A husky, a bunny, a westie.
– Single/Group dates: Single. Not that I’ve been on a date in the past 3 years. Wow. That’s sad.
 Strawberries/Blueberries: Raspberries.
 Scientists need to invent: a cure for all maladies.


– Time for bed: now. I need a nap.
– Thunderstorms: Are the strangest when it’s snowing outside. Seriously, it happened last week.
– TV: HIMYM, Gossip Girl, Big Bang Theory, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice.
– Touch your tongue to your nose?: Yep.


– Unpredictable: exciting.


– Vegetable you hate: I’m not too keen on zucchini.
– Vegetable you love: Red Peppers, preferably roasted.
– Vacation spot: Somewhere not hot or sunny, thank you.


– Weakness: Sweets.
– When you grow up: I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, wanna be in movies. Actually, not at all. I want to be happy.
– Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: Probs Jazz or Caitlin.
– Who makes you laugh the most: Neil Patrick Harris. 
– Worst feeling: Like you won’t achieve anything.
– Wanted to be a model: Nope.
– Worst weather: Slushy snow, or minus 30 degree weather.


-X-Ray: wild.


-Year now?: 2009
Yellow: is the colour of my bedroom and the tights i’m wearing.


– Zoo animal: Elephants and Polar Bears.
 Zodiac sign: Libra. Ohm.

Last person who:

– Saw you cry: Lara, when I finished reading The Book Thief.
– Went to the movies with you: Lara and Lynsie, Bride Wars on Saturday night.
– You went to the mall with: Alexa? I can’t really remember, it was over holidays.
– Went to dinner with: Mum and Dad, Curry Originals, saturday before school started up again.
– Talked to on the phone: Mum.
– Made you laugh: My prof in Hebrew Scriptures this morning.

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From SparksFlyUp

01. What’s the last TV show you saw?
I just illegally watched Gossip Girl. Blair and Chuck NEED to be together. 

02. What are you wearing at the moment?
Wooly socks, jeans, blue shirt, cardigan and my new Circle Scarf from American Apparel

03. Favorite Song of the Moment?
Weak in the Knees by Serena Ryder

04. What is your favorite scent?
Daisy by Marc Jacobs

05. What’s your occupation? What do you do there?
Student at Queen’s. I learn things and write essays. 

06. What do you drink the most?

07. What is your favorite restaurant?
Ciao Bella on Lamb’s Conduit Street in London, England. It holds great memories and has great food. What more could you ask for?

08. What will you be doing after finishing this?
I will read some Psalms from the Hebrew Scriptures and maybe some Hamlet. That’s what you do when you study English and Religion.

09. What did you want to be when you grew up?
I haven’t grown up yet and I still don’t know what I want to be. Soo there ya go.

10. Your favorite romantic movie?
Breakfast at Tiffany’s

11. What’s the least favorite thing about yourself?
To steal from a recent Postsecret postcard, “I am not ambitious enough for my own dreams.”

13. What are your ideal qualities in a novel?
I shouldn’t want to put it down and I need, need, need to be able to think about it afterwards, also I need a chuckle and maybe a good cry. The Book Thief (my most recent read) did all of that for me, as did my favourites such as Harry Potter and all of John Green’s books. 

14. What time do you usually go to bed?
I aim for between 11 and midnight. I’m proud to say that i haven’t had to pull any all nighters this year.

15. What’s the meaning behind your LJ username/name/nicknames you go by?
Well, this one (samstarr) was a nickname given to me by my friend vicky several years ago. It started as Samster and turned into SamStar which turned into stamstarr for the purpose of avoiding awkward meaningless numbers in my username. On Youtube and Twitter and almost everywhere else, however, I go by hplondonlove which basically means that I love Harry Potter and London. Riveting story, wasn’t it?

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You know what’s wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You’re chicken, you’ve got no guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, “Okay, life’s a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.” You call yourself a free spirit, a “wild thing,” and you’re terrified somebody’s gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you’re already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it’s not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It’s wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.

Paul Varjak – Breakfast at Tiffany’s




best. movie. ever.

Today’s Song:

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